Mornings define freshness. They also push one to get up and chase whatever one chooses to do in life. The first few minutes are more of a thanksgiving that I am alive. 50 years have rolled and I am still not bored with this routine. Sudha left me a year ago and I feel she is happy up there because she was very religious. We were a childless couple in spite of many prayers and trials. I guess it was not meant to be. Medicines, IVF and even visiting places of worship of other religions went futile. Then there came a time that we accepted our fate but adoption was never an option for both of us. Sudha became my baby and I loved and cared for her till it lasted. I still love her but life goes on.

I am Pushpendra Gupta, a widower who works in Kanpur, a city in Uttar Pradesh, a northern state of India. I live in Lucknow, capital of Uttar Pradesh and I commute daily to Kanpur by the local train. The leather factory where I work has seen many years of my struggle, happiness, angst as well as resilience. Most of the leather goods are manufactured here and a couple of my colleagues are like my family. Now as Sudha is no more twice in a year I prefer spending those nights with Sameer and Saikat at their respective homes. On those nights it’s a casual way of letting my hair down and just being me. 

Both Saikat and Sameer are grandfathers and it’s good to feel the warmth of their households. I am two years younger to Saikat and Sameer is a year older to me. According to Sameer’s grandson I am a rockstar with a sweet tooth. Saikat’s grandchildren I have yet to meet so it’s something I am excited about. I walk with a stick to avoid a fall. It also acts as a weapon if some miscreant tries to act fresh with me. It’s normal for anyone to take advantage of my grey hair, wrinkled skin and not so strong body. I am aging yes and gracefully is not the word for me I so know. A man with thin arms and legs was loved dearly by Sudha.

I have a scar on my cheek. I fell from a bicycle in my childhood and had landed on an iron railing that had bruised my soft skin. It healed but no ointment could remove the mark. She made me feel like a Greek God though. Before leaving for work she used to ward off the evil eye by making me bow to our God and then from the kohl in her eyes with her little finger she used to put it below my right ear. For years I did not look in the mirror because of that impression on my cheek but on our first night Sudha showered me with her kisses on the same spot. She was special and I was completely somebody else with her. A better version of me had been born I discern. 

My office is not very far from the Kanpur railway station. A 20 minute auto rickshaw ride mostly makes me reach in time if the local train is not late. Likewise in the evening very easily I find my way to the empty seats. A grey-haired man is mostly offered a seat to sit and I grab it in the evenings. Mornings I prefer standing. It’s a two hour journey and whenever the weather is foggy then it takes longer. The lush greenfields are a sight. The expanse stays the same but everytime there is something new to observe. A bird, a situation, a tragedy, sometimes a new introduction in the form of a house, equipment and people color my commutes. There are days I feel lonely too. 

There are moments on the train when I miss Sudha the most. Spouses, families, lovers, well wishers and friends travel together. They eat together and chill. They enjoy those moments with their loved ones and I have only me. I get jealous and angry both and a few times I smile when I see children playing among themselves. Their ecstasy and camaraderie fill me so much. I don’t like being a loner but I don’t think I can love anyone the way I loved my departed wife. Tears well up in my eyes when I think of her and when I don’t find her around me then anger and sadness envelop me completely. 

In this age of technology I was able to buy us two second hand smartphones. They are my life as the moments stored in them brighten my dark days and nights. There is a lot of hustle and bustle on both the railway stations but the noise within takes the cake on grumpy days. Lung cancer treatment was way above my paygrade. Sudha made it look all very easy and comfortable the initial years but slowly her health started deteriorating. Lack of resources and money stabbed me. Loans for medical expenses did not do much either. Dark days could have killed our marriage but her smile even during pain used to lift me up. It still does. 

Loss changes people. Life looks different. Inadequacies double irritation. There is a constant fire that fails to douse. Lucknow is a paradise for foodies but living in slums does not allow me to enjoy delicacies and relish them. A huge debt needs my attention all the time. On weekends with the help of a motorcycle app I pick and drop clients. Age has its disadvantages but this way I try to fill the emptiness that Sudha has left. I have started interacting with my fellow passengers on the train too. While waiting on the railway stations I make small notes in my head and then in my free time I jot them down as someday I wish to weave a story of all my thoughts and transform it into a thin book for travel.  

It looks to me like a dream that I may not be able to fulfill considering my circumstances. These passengers on the train are like distant relatives. Some are familiar, some I just don’t know but I bump into them on a regular basis. Some gape, few stare, many have eye-locks and some ignore. Life is meaningless without Sudha indeed but I still want to live. I want to live her part too through me. I feel her presence and it makes my day. There are times I talk to her and the breeze caresses my skin then I feel she has heard and responded. Life is hard, yes, but the life in my veins still tells me that not everything is negative in my life.